He's BA-AAAAACK

And because you were wondering, the answer is YES! Yes to the fact that Fisch has returned to the blogosphere. Yes to the fact that Jimmy Rollins has been recalled of the DL. Yes to the fact that the NL East crown is the Phillies’ again. Yes to the fact that Michael Vick again has a starting job in the NFL. And of course I say YES! to the fact that Donovan McNabb is returning to Philadelphia this Sunday. The time is now for Philadelphia sports. The Phils are most likely heading into the playoffs as the best team in National League and the Eagles are fiercely pushing forward behind the acrobatics of Michael Vick. But lets forget about the Phightins for one second (Stay tuned for this weekend) and focus on a new era in Eagles history: Michael Vick-Showtime.

Yes you heard it correctly: Showtime. And nothing short of Showtime. The dude simply dominates on the gridiron. With a 6:0 touchdowns to interception ratio and a 110.2 passer rating, number 7 is suddenly the Eminem of the NFL. The bad boy who seemingly lost his way is now back with a vengeance while seeing his game soar to knew heights. But even though the electrifying quarterback looks like a sure lock for the Pro-Bowl this year, there are still a lot of questions surrounding the newest quarterback controversy in the NFL. Starting Vick is the perfect solution for the birds’ today, but not everything may be perfect by seasons end. This leads me to think of only three possible scenarios that can come out of this situation:

Vick’s Starting Job Wet Dream Scenario

So far this season, Michael Vick’s passer rating ranks only behind Peyton Manning, 4^th overall in touchdown passes, and has still yet to throw an interception. This Sunday, Vick will lead his squad to battle against the man he replaced was supposed to replace, none other than Donovan McNabb. Imagine. It’s the biggest game of Vick’s career and he flat out performs. He does so to the tune of 300 passing yards, two TD passes, 50 yards on the ground, and of course a victory. This performance defines his season. Vick then goes on to a 4,000 yard passing season, 34 TD passes, 500 yards rushing and 7 rushing TD as well. After being named to the Pro-Bowl and proving all the haters wrong, the reborn QB leads his team to a division title.

Once the playoffs come around, Vick pushes his squad to the NFC Championship game, an extremely familiar place to Philly fans. And even though he would ultimately lose the contest, another familiar place for Philly fans, the season would not go wasted. He would bring back the faith amongst the Eagles fan base. He would spark a new energy within the Eagles locker room. He would bring the Eagles back to the top of the NFL. But that’s not all he’d do.

After seeing the inspirational run this dedicated and determined man started with his teammates, Jeffrey Lurie and the Eagles front office would be determined to improve the team that next offseason. Strong additions of a veteran cornerback opposite Asante Samuel, and a more reliable center than Jamaal Jackson would join Vick in a new Eagles locker room filled with a new positive and excited energy. This is the team that would ultimately bring that long awaited Super Bowl Championship to the city of Philadelphia. And it would all start with a man who everyone had once written off from football, from society and from humanity.

Vick’s Starting Job Realistic Scenario

So far this season, Michael Vick is 2-0 as a starter. Putting up all of his aforementioned stats and possessing a true leadership role in the Eagles locker room. After an epic and flat out demolishing of the pitiful Washington Redskins, Vick and company re-enter their locker room at the Linc feeling confident as ever about their chances to win the NFC East Division title this season. They eventually do, and earn the right to home field in the first round of the playoffs against their division rival and Wild-Card winner, the Dallas Cowboys. As unfortunate as Baxter being punted off a bridge, the birds are sadly defeated by the Cowboys for the second season in a row. After the game and the entire NFL postseason over, the Eagles front office sits down to discuss the future of the franchise.

It’s time for them to realize one thing: Michael Vick deserves a FAT paycheck. Unfortunately, The birds have already invested a lot in Kevin Kolb as well, and Vick suddenly has tremendous value around the league. After a pro-bowl caliber season, Vick could most likely be traded in exchange for a first and second round draft pick, and maybe even a player in return. This is when Andy Reid’s always gaping and drooling mouth turns into a slight smile. He then chuckles to himself and begins to develop and evil look in his eyes. Reid, slamming his fist on the table, shoots out of his comfy conference room chair and roars with an extreme amount of pride, “Kolb is our guy”. Suddenly, the Eagles coach begins daydreaming about Kolb returning to the team the next season, with fire in his belly and a vengeance to prove to everyone that he was in fact worth the risk to trade Donovan McNabb two seasons prior.

Kolb is then awarded the starting job and leads the Eagles to 4 postseason appearances over the next 7 seasons. The quarterback never reaches the Super Bowl and makes one Pro-Bowl appearance. He has an average career. This all occurs as Michael Vick is traded to the San Francisco 49ers to replace Alex Smith. Vick is the quarterback who would finally bring the 49ers to the playoffs post-Jerry Rice and Steve Young era. Vick would win one Super Bowl with the team.

Vick’s Starting Job Wrist-Slitting Scenario

Michael Vick faces his biggest test of the season when the Washington Redskins come to town in Week 4. The game is surrounded by incredulous amounts of media attention, player hype, and personal goals that Vick himself has made. Fortunately for the reborn superstar, he leads his team to a victory over the hated skins and there suddenly washed-up quarterback, Donovan McNabb. The national media, the city of Philadelphia and most importantly, all of the Eagles organization now definitely has 100% confidence in Vick as the team’s franchise quarterback and face of the team. However, the birds’ schedule gets harder. With tough games against Atlanta Falcons, Tennessee Titans and Indianapolis Colts all in a row, Vick struggles, the locker room begins to fall apart, the entire organization loses confidence in him as the starter, and Kevin Kolb even starts the 4^th quarter against the Colts. All throughout the next week, ESPN reports that Andy Reid is seriously considering starting Kolb over Vick once again. He doesn’t, but the speculation throws Vick off his game even more, thus almost begging Reid to make a change at quarterback.

Kolb then returns to lead the team to a 4-4 record for the rest of the season and leaves the team in the middle of the NFC East standings with an overall record of 8-8. Nothing compared to what fans were expecting after Vick’s first three weeks of starting play. They were expecting playoffs, possibly an NFC Championship Game appearance. But, a Cinderella feel-good story only happens in Philadelphia when it comes to the Phillies. The Eagles are suddenly left clueless about what to do with two overrated or untalented quarterbacks on their roster and no teams around the league are calling with trade offers. This is the point when Andy Reid first realizes his mistake in trading McNabb.

Of course, the last scenario will definitely not happen. I firmly believe that in no point during the rest of Andy Reid’s coaching career, and maybe even his entire life, will he ever, ever, EVER regret trading Donovan McNabb. He was, and still is, injury prone, lacks sufficient on-field leadership, and suffers from seriously inconsistent play and accuracy. My buddy Andrew describes any mix-up between a quarterback and wide receiver that results in a short throw a “McNabb fireball”. (He actually slips in an explicative as well, but the committee of one on this editorial board really tries to keep this blog PG-13). But this isn’t about McNabb; it’s about Michael Vick.

Now, I’ve provided you with three possible scenarios that can come out of Vick’s starting gig in Green and White this season. And I honestly believe that reality will fall somewhere between the Wet Dream and Realistic scenarios. It is extremely difficult to say that, with this shaky of an offensive line, the Eagles can effectively run the ball and provide Vick with enough time to pass on 80% of downs in the playoffs. Great teams are able to run the ball in the postseason, and I would feel extremely sorry for Shady McCoy if I had to watch him get pummeled by NFC defenses these playoffs. That being said, this team is honestly a Center and second Cornerback away from contending for a Super Bowl Championship with Michael Vick in control. This team’s offense is as electrifying as Kim Kardashian in a bikini and seeing Khloe and Lamar Odom’s marriage last longer than a year. While praying, seriously praying, that the Eagles’ front office will make some legitimate offseason moves during this upcoming spring and summer, anticipate great things from the team in the seasons to come. This year is only an amazing building block for future dominance.

No Bummer Summer

As the NBA Draft rapidly approaches, all NBA fans are hearing about is LeBron this and LeBron that. Honestly, unless a blockbuster draft-day trade occurs or a sign-and-trade deal is verbally agreed on by the end of the month, I don’t care about LeBron until July 1^st; the day this hot commodity opens up on the market. The “Courting of the King” can really draw comparisons to the Jersey Shore craze of this past fall and even the hype Barak Obama received during his early campaigning for office. And if one can compare LeBron to the likes of “The Situation”, the lucky city that wins the King James Lottery will truly be given a direct gift from the basketball gods. But forget about LeBron for about 8-10 minutes. Because the NBA Draft thankfully has nothing to do with James (Well actually, it could. You never know). In fact, as the Washington Wizards imminent selection of John Wall is as highly expected as Michael Scott having thousands of friends on facebook, the basketball society has now turned its collective head towards the 76ers.

The owners of the number two overall pick can take pretty much anyone they want who’s entered in the draft. But sorry guys, the franchise cannot take Jackie Moon from Flint, Michigan with their pick. Now that experts are beginning to speculate a possible selection of Georgia Tech’s Derrick Favors, I think it’s time for someone to clearly explain to fans what the hell is going on in the 76ers delusional front office. The 76ers have yet to go through a successful trade deadline or offseason during Ed Stefanksi’s reign as GM, and it’s about time they had one. This summer is crucial for a team that has playoff hopes for next season, and we cannot afford to go through another disappointing summer. Without further ado, I present to you the first-ever 76er’s offseason To-Do List that will most likely result in a positive impact for today, tomorrow and the years to come:

1. Trade Two of the Following Players: Andre Iguodala, Elton Brand and Sammy Dalembert.

In all truthfulness, when I first came up with the idea for the “To-Do List”, I came up with this number one task 48 hours before the 76ers actually and FINALLY dealt Dalembert and his absolutely horrifying and nauseating contract. Too bad the Sacramento Kings weren’t looking to buy him last season (They only wanted him now because his repulsive contract expires after this season). So when I got my ESPNews update text message about the trade, my reaction process began not with me jubilantly jumping up and down, but me sulking in a corner because I couldn’t publicly predict he would be traded. Thus, I had to still include his name in the above task, in order to prove my sheer sports genius.

Anyway, the 76ers could do without all three of the above players in my opinion. For starters, a few years back, Sammy was one of the top-three highest paid centers in the League (only behind Shaq and Yao Ming). At his best during the 2007-2008, the 6’11 Haitian posted 10 points, 10 boards, and 2 blocks a game. Although that’s a pretty damn good stat line, Dalembert always seemed to lack the ability to rise to the occasion and have an “EFF YOU” moment against an opposing big man. Unfortunately and contrarily, Over his eight-year career, each season, month, and even game has provided me with multiple “You Stink Sammy!” moments. I remember the worst-ever YSS moment I’ve ever had came at home, against the Miami Heat during the 2005-2006 season, when Shaq rolled into town alongside Dwayne Wade. The team was on their way to the franchise’s first ever NBA championship, and the big guy was ready to eat “Slammin’ Sammy D”. O’Neal received a lob pass on the baseline, used his monstrous arm to clear out space, took one dribble, and stuffed the ball through the rim and into Dalembert’s forehead. That defensive lapse wasn’t all Sammy’s fault, and that was always his supporters’ excuse: It’s not Sammy’s fault. But whether he rightfully deserved the blame or not, Dalembert never exactly competed against the centers who made as much money (and sadly even the ones who didn’t make half as much) as him. The center was an offensive liability (only scoring consistently on ally-oops and driving dump-off passes), never wowed anyone from the line (career 69% shooter from the charity stripe), and was never shy to foul out of game and get caught goaltending. But with all the negatives that came with Dalembert, I could never hate him as much as I hate Andre Iguodala.

Now, you will only be saved a few more seconds to see how I truthfully hate Iguodala (See the #2 task on the TDL), but ever since the dreadful “Stefanski” summer, where the very man who the offseason is named after inked the two-worst-contracts-Philadelphia-sports-history, I’ve also dislike Elton Brand. At first, the guy who dramatically lied to his “best friend”, Baron Davis, and the team that he had known and loved, seemed very intriguing. Then, one injury into his time here in Philly, I was a little disappointed with his lack of rebounding and post defense. Now, two injuries and two disappointing seasons into it, I’m frankly pissed off. When healthy, Brand has the ability to be a 20 and 10 threat every night, and one of the top post players in the League. However as previously mentioned, Brand hasn’t been healthy, and he hasn’t posted numbers even close to what he’s capable of. Over the past 2 seasons, the Sixers have paid the former All-Star $15 million for 13 points and a little more than 7 rebounds a game: that’s not gonna cut it. If the club decided to part ways with the veteran right now, I wouldn’t be pleased, I would be elated.

The 76ers have some great young pieces in place with Jrue Holliday, Thaddeus Young, Spencer Hawes and maybe even Marreese Speights. And, veterans Jason Kapono and newly acquired Andres Nocioni are great bench and role players. The front office needs to look at and reevaluate their “star” players now. Iguodala and Brand are owed a combined $27 million dollars next season. Will either player make an All-Star team in the next two years? Probably not. Will either player lead any NBA team deep into the playoffs ever during the rest of their career? Definitely not. The only reason being this: neither player can ever be the best player on a championship-caliber team. The sooner Ed Stefanski and his band of dimwitted idiots realize that, the sooner the team will have a chance to get out of the first round of the playoffs (something they haven’t done since 2003).

2. Draft Evan Turner and NOBODY Else.

As you all hopefully know by now, I absolutely love creating, forming, and sharing conspiracy theories. This is why I love Evan Turner. While I do love Turner for his tantalizing ability to score and lead his troops to battle, I really love him for his imminent ability to challenge Andre Iguodala’s big-shot taking ability, leadership and flat-out basketball talent all without saying anything and letting his game speak for itself (something Iguodala has no idea exists). If you skipped the first task on the TDL because it was self-explanatory (of course I didn’t fail to mention Andre Iguodala’s, Elton Brand’s and Sammy Dalembert’s lack of ability to give Philly fans and ownership their money’s worth) I REALLY want the team to deal Iguodala. They should have done it when they had a chance to this past trade deadline. Obviously the front office finally realized Dalembert’s flaws, and it seems as if Doug Collins (who is suddenly as in love with Derrick Favors as Ron Burgundy is with Veronica Corningstone) has now realized that Elton Brand isn’t as he was advertised during the Stefanski summer. I promise you right now, drafting Evan Turner will reveal to the entire world the many weaknesses of Andre Iguodala.

So If I was on my hands and knees praying for the Phillies to keep Jayson Werth after this season, I don’t know how one can describe my wanting for the 76ers to take Evan Turner at Number 2. Think of this potential opening-night starting lineup for the Philadelphia 76ers in 2011: PG Jrue Holiday, SG (Rookie of the Year) Evan Turner, SF Thaddeus Young, PF Marreese Speights/Jason Smith, and C Spencer Hawes. That’s a quality young and gritty team. Now doesn’t that lineup look a lot nicer than this: PG Holiday, SG Andre Iguodala, SF, Thaddeus Young, PF Elton Brand, C Spencer Hawes? I don’t know about you, but I might have nightmares every night if the 76ers are still stuck with Brand and Iguodala for the next two years. But, I will be having fantasies if Evan turner is putting up Rookie-of-the-year-like numbers and in the running for the All-Star team in only his second year.

The point is, unlike Iguodala, Evan Turner has the ability to be the best player on any NBA Team that doesn’t have a player named Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, or Carmelo Anthony. Turner may even have the ability to be a league MVP one day as well. NBA Draft experts are saying that it would make more sense chemistry-wise for the team to take Favors with their pick because of a possible issue between Turner and Iguodala. If you can’t tell by now, that’s exactly what I want to happen. I want Evan Turner to push all of Iguodala’s buttons. I want Evan Turner to flat out irritate Iguodala. I want Evan Turner to force Iguodala to demand a trade. I want Iguodala out of Philly, and Evan Turner is missing piece to the puzzle.

3. DO NOT Resign Allen Iverson

During this past decade, there were thousands of kids who grew up wanting to be the next Allen Iverson. I remember one of my best friends, Marc, freak out like a 10-year-old girl who just met the Jonas Brothers when he saw my dad bought me the new Reebok AI shoes in back during our days in Second Grade. I remember all of the hype when he led the team to the 2001 NBA Finals and the craziness that followed his “EFF YOU” step over Tyronn Lue in Game 1 of that series. I remember his return to Philly as a member of the Denver Nuggets and the five-minute-long standing ovation he received after being introduced in their starting lineup. I remember all the good times Iverson has brought to Philly and those are the only memories I want to have of him.

I was never AI’s biggest fan back in his glory days. In fact, I constantly hated on him for being a ball-hog and selfish. But, when anyone discussed anything about the 10-time All-Star, I always seemed to defend him. Like all of those thousands of kids who wanted to be the next AI, I felt a sense of attachment to the guy. I felt like he was MY player on MY team. And that’s probably why I don’t want to see a depleted version of this once-amazing player be crossed-up night in and night out by opposing young point guards (see Stuckey, Rodney 12/9/09). During this past season, it definitely seemed as if the less effective Iverson was, the less interested the entire team was in winning. And at the culmination of what seemed to be the end of his storied career, the entire team disappeared after Iverson left the team for gambling and other personal issues.

AI has always been the heart and soul of this team. As a leader and competitor, you don’t find many better than Iverson, and his passion for the game will never be questioned. However, the newly 35-year-old is still looking for a starting gig and 10-20 shots a night. At this stage in his career, Iverson should be looking to settle into a nice bench player’s role on a Championship-caliber team, with 15 minutes, 6-10 shots, and a few assists a game. Resigning AI will not dramatically increase attendance (as last year proved) and it will also be counterproductive with the “youth movement” the 76ers have with Holiday, Hawes, Young, as well as Smith, Speights and Lou Williams. It is sadly time to move on from the AI era in Philadelphia (Unless he wants to join his buddy Aaron McKie on the bench in the coach’s section). I’ll miss Iverson, but his time is up, and everyone needs to realize it.

First Task Left Off TDL: Make LOUU Williams Accept His Bench Role

Honorable Mention Tasks: Package Louuu In A Deal With Iguodala or Brand, Do Whatever is Necessary To Lower The Salary Cap, Keep all Big Men Healthy.

Ridiculous Task That Couldn’t Be Written Without Making Someone Angry: Keep A List of Available GM’s Close and a Phone Closer

Yes, I don’t like Ed Stefanski. But he has made two good moves during his tenure as General Manager. The first came with his selection of Jrue Holiday in last year’s draft with the 17^th Overall Pick, and trading Sammy D. Both moves cannot redeem him for the two-worst-contracts-in-Philadelphia-sports-history, but it’s a start. Hopefully, Stefanski will continue his streak of smart and sensible decisions by taking Turner at Number 2. The only possible way I could ever forgive him for not taking Turner, would be if the 76ers dealt the pick for a nice young player and stayed in the top-5 picks. A trade consisting of oh, I don’t know, Minnesota’s Kevin Love and the Number 4 Overall Pick in exchange for Number 2. With that, the Sixers cannot pass Number 4 without taking either Favors or Wesley Johnson. However, Wesley Johnson’s game is an awful lot like Thaddeus Young’s and that’s a lot of money to pay an unproven rookie to come off the bench. If Favors isn’t there, I would honestly like to see the team take a chance on DeMarcus Cousins. That is very highly unlikely, but hey, I will take a frontcourt of Cousins-Hawes for 10 years. The 76ers pick will definitely set the tone for the rest of the draft and John Wall’s fate is really the only thing predetermined for the lottery. The 76ers have a chance to dramatically change their franchise and push them forward on a positive note. With tomorrow’s draft comes a lot of possibilities, let’s just hope the realities play out in our favor.

What Would Jimmy Do?

I’m lost for words. And I’ve been lost for words for the past two weeks. And, it’s the reason why I haven’t written for a while that is so depressing. The saddest thing about my writer’s block is that I could easily write a short piece about the upcoming NBA Draft and the 76er’s complete offseason to-do-list, yet at the same time can barely but a pen to paper (or my fingers to a keyboard) about the absolute collapse of the Philadelphia Phillies over the past 6 weeks. In recent years, I’ve loved every second of the New York Mets’ infamous collapses and took as many opportunities as possible to mess with Mets fans about them. Now it’s only June and I feel a giant knot in my stomach as if the team has already missed the playoffs, and I am starting to wonder if this is how Mets fans have felt in the past.

At a time like this, one might feel immense depression, seek the need to curl up into a little ball in the corner of his or her room, and stare at an animal cracker for hours on end. But, the sensible thing to do in a situation such as this is to not sulk and feel sorry for ourselves, but to try to think of reasons for a group of guys’ awful excuse for a baseball team. This doesn’t mean play the blame game either. From Jayson Werth, to Charlie Manuel, to Chase Utley, to the creepy old cat lady down the street, everyone deserves his or her own share of the blame.

If you don’t follow and watch the team religiously, trying to make sense out of all this is absolutely ludicrous. And honestly, I have recently found viewing a Philadelphia Phillies baseball game as painful as a root canal or wearing the clothes my grandma got me for my birthday out in public. But when I do tune into a game, one thought constantly runs through my mind: “WWJD?”. No, I do not think, “what would Jesus do?” (I’m Jewish) even if Jesus was a Jew, but “what would Jimmy do?” Yes, the seemed-to-be forgotten Jimmy Rollins, did once start at shortstop for the Phils way back in April of 2010, ladies and gentleman. J-Roll is currently on his second trip to the DL and his pulled hamstring has limited him to only 41 at bats thus far this year. Why does the absence of a leadoff hitter affect the entire lineup you may ask? Because this leadoff hitter does so much more for this team than just get on base.

Rollins’ ability to get on base and hit for a high average cannot be questioned. But once he gets on base is where and when; the magic really happens. Jimmy’s speed and base running smarts allow him to collaborate with Davy Lopes and snag bag after bag and provides the power hitters behind him with many RBI opportunities as well. Number eleven’s trickery on the base paths can at times be compared to none other than John Tucker’s ability to play girls. The little shortstop (Rollins can’t be taller much taller than the Boston Celtics’ Nate Robinson) also aids the Phillies lineups with some pop as well. When on his game, Jimmy easily can have a 20-20 season (20 HR’s and 20 SB’s) and bat over .300. Having such a great mix of power and speed is so deadly to opponents and so crucial to his own team, and it has clearly been missed.

Rollins has always led by example, and maybe that’s what this team is missing: a leader. Someone to turn to when the going gets tough, someone to look towards for inspiration in a time of need and slump: a leader. The Phillies have appeared in back-to-back World Series. It pains me to say so, but maybe they won’t be able to make it a three-peat without Rollins in full swing. But at least I’m able to say and write something.

Lost Never Ends

With the recent conclusion of ABC’s Lost phenomena, the show’s followers and congregants have been struggling to collaborate on how they can all possibly live without the show on air. Cries of help have shrieked across the night sky all across the country, and even the world. But, nobody can figure out what to do now that Lost is over.

Well, I have some good news and bad news for Lost viewers. I’ll start with the good in order to build-up intense anxiety and to also keep the mood light… for now. Lost isn’t over. In fact, it’s just beginning. The Philadelphia Phillies’ version of Lost began last week, when Charlie Manuel persisted on stranding Roy Halladay on his own private island against the Pittsburgh Pirates on May 18th, ultimately forcing the ace to throw 132 pitches in 9 innings (The perfect game against the Fish had absolutely 100% nothing to do with Manuel at all). Next, the position players decided to lose their formerly HUGE bats (that were once full of power, doubles, runs, and even a high average) in Fenway Park's away-team clubhouse, after game 1 of that series. To go an entire series against the New York Mets and their previously last-place-in-the-NL-East record is simply ridiculous and unacceptable from a team that is supposed to easily dominate their division. Before the recent 4-11 slump, the Phils were 10-2 and dominating with pitching and run support. What the hell happened?

If it wasn’t for Halladay’s perfecto, I honestly might have committed baseball suicide after the team’s embarrassing 9-3 loss in their season finale in Atlanta. For those of you who are wondering, baseball suicide consists of super-gluing a Yankees hat onto your head and a Mets jersey onto your chest, then duck taping yourself to a chair (which coincidentally is stationed in front of a TV playing the worst moments in Phillies history on a loop). It is very similar to the stunt Jimmy Fallon pulls in Fever Pitch. A sweep at the hands of the Braves and a total of 7 runs was nothing compared to not scoring a run at Shea Stadium, but something worse occurred down in Georgia. The three losses to the Braves officially lost the suddenly clueless Charlie Manuel, and his club, the NL East lead, and now find themselves looking up at the Braves to the tune of 2.5 games. I repeat: What the hell happened? There’s no coincidence that the Doc’s first-ever slump as a Phillie came during this hapless streak of games. The ace of the staff had been constantly overworked in order to save the bullpen for Halladay’s lesser teammates’ starts, and it definitely messed with his rhythm and swagger out on the mound. Halladay has thrown 110+ pitches in 7 of his 12 starts this season and has pitched 5 complete games through the first two months of the season alone. I know the man is an absolute beast and is possibly bionic, but he does need rest. Old Charlie needs to realize that taking Halladay out of a 1-run ball game after 7 innings of work with 105 pitches is a good day’s work out of your ace. Number 34 doesn’t need to pitch a complete game in almost have of his starts, especially when a no-hitter or perfect game isn’t still intact (He threw a perfect game. I was ecstatic. Suck on that Mets and Braves fans.). The following conversation needs to occur… TODAY:

Manuel: Hey Leroy, can I talk to you for a second?

Halladay: Coach, I told you not to call me that. And sure, what’s up?

Manuel: It’s come to my attention that you have thrown a gazillion complete games this year—

Halladay: I know! It’s sick right? I don’t have to worry about Brad’s piece of crap elbow blowing my wins.

Manuel: As I was saying, you’ve done a lot of work and done a hell of a job. A perfect game, seven wins in the first two months, that’s a hell-of-a start to the season. But I think we need to take a break on the complete games.

Halladay: But coach, I’m the best pitcher on the planet! My arm is made of titanium-based metal solution that can never be destroyed.

Manuel: I know, I know. But in order for the team as whole to be successful, we need you to post a few straight 7 or 8 inning starts with around 92 pitches and 9 strikeouts. Then we can give the bullpen 1 or 2 innings of work and call it a night. Sound good?

Halladay: I guess. Is that how you win a World Series and make it to the playoffs? The guys in Toronto never told me that.

Manuel: Ah, my friend. You are learning quite fast young grasshopper.

Aside from Manuel’s mismanaging of Halladay, the Phillies struggles have also been linked to a sudden disappearing of their enormous bats. CSI: Philadelphia has been searching for weeks on who could have snagged the Louisville Sluggers, and so far the suspects include the Sox’s, Met’s and Brave’s batboys and clubhouse workers. Along the trail of clues have been a small hint of dominant pitching performances as well, but that seems to be just a small contributing factor. But seriously, what the hell happened? A team that was in the top-three amongst MLB teams in runs per game has now fallen out of the top-ten. And honestly, I have no clue why it has happened. But, I do know that over the last 14 games:

Jayson Werth is batting .166 (7/42), with only 3 RBI’s, 3 runs and 14 SO’s

Chase Utley is batting .180 (9/50) with a HR and only 3RBI’s and 5 runs

Shane Victorino is batting .176 (9/51). He has 5 SB’s but only scored once

Carlos Ruiz and Jimmy Rollins have only appeared in a combined 13 games

Raul Ibanez is batting .262 (11/42) and the sadly that has raised his average

Placido Polanco has missed 5 straight games due to a bum elbow

All of these slumps and unfortunate occruances have been equally great contributing factors to the Phils’ awful slump. Ryan Howard has been producing, but there have simply been nobody on base for him to nock in or move into scoring position (If he did, then the batters behind him most likely gaped at the ball like a wide-eyed 10-year-old looking at his first “nudey girl magazine” while standing next to home plate, ultimately stranding that runner). The team has collectively averaged a measly 1.5 runs a game in their past series against the division foes Mets, Marlins and Braves. WHAT!? I thought the Phils averaged close to that many homers per game! If it were any another season, I would be extremely worried right now. But, the Phillies have won the division three straight years, the NL pennant the last two, and the World Series Championship in 2008. Charlie Manuel obviously knows how to win in crunch-time and down the stretch in August and September, but right now, he and the Phillies bats are clearly lost. Let’s hope they make it back to reality sooner rather than later.

Flying High

I never thought it could happen, but I think after the Flyers Stanley Cup Championship you will be able to officially call me a Hockey fan. Call me a bandwagoner. Guess What? I am! The only players I can honestly, legitimately and truthfully name off the top of my head are Carcillo, Mike Richards, Danny Briere, Boucher, Simon Gagne and Pronger. I don't even know some of their first names! The point is, that three weeks ago I would have hysterically laughed in your face if you seriously thought that I would say the phrase "Playoff Hockey is exciting to watch" after watching 10 minutes of the Flyers' close out game tonight (I know I need to watch more). So when we (DID I REALLY JUST SAY WE?) win the title, I'll be happy, but still a little jealous. Why can't the 76ers win a championship (The pressure's already on Doug Collins!)? The scariest part of all this madness? Yes, you will be seeing Flyers NHL Hockey covered on Fisch's Philly Sportsline next season, and I never thought I would see the day. Congrats to all the Flyers fans out there, you deserve to party like its 1975!

Waaaay Werth The Wait

It started with the Ben Wallace Afro in Detroit. Then the Mannywood section in Los Angeles’ Dodger Stadium introduced the Manny dreadlocks to the world. Now, it’s time for Philadelphia to enter the world of hair give-a-ways. Introducing……

THE JAYSON WERTH RIGHT FIELD BEARD BUMS!!!

It might not be all that impressive, but at this point I’m willing to do anything to keep number 28 in Philly . I don’t care if I have to rent a limo, drive around South Philadelphia and scream and holler “I WANT TO MARRY JAYSON WERTH” at the top of my lungs, or even change my name to "Werthwolf". Ruben Amaro, Jr. and EVERYONE who is a true Phillies fan needs to help complete a mission: keep Jayson home. Werth is the best Phillies right fielder since Bobby Abreu (wait Abreu played defense?) and has also joined the “Roy Halladay Beard Club” along with Kyle Kendrick. Most importantly, Jayson is on pace for over 30 homers, 130 RBI’s, a plus-.320 average, and might even reach 20 steals.

Jayson Werth. Jayson Richard Gowan Werth. No matter what stats and accolades he receives this season, this bushy-faced man will be eligible for free agency following the team’s imminent NL Championship 3-peat (yeah I just predicted it) . The soon-to-be 31-year-old will most likely be looking to receive anywhere from $10-14 million a season and you know what? He deserves it, his numbers show it and he is worth it. He is WERTH it. Arguably in his prime, Werth is the same age as Ryan Howard (who by the way just signed a deal for $20 million dollars if you have been living under a rock) and by seasons end could perhaps be more valuable to the team.

Jayson also isn’t exactly surrounded by a stellar free agent class either. Other “big name” outfielders include: Colorado’s Brad Hawpe, Detroit’s Johnny Damon and Magglio Ordonez, the now seemingly irrelevant Manny Ramirez, and Xavier Nady (did you know that he left the Yankees for Chicago Cubs?). Ramirez, Damon and Ordonez have all reached the 37-year-old milestone, and Nady and Hawpe were simply one or two-year wonders. Basically, the other outfielders available this offseason, although once great or and even made a few All-Star appearances, can’t wipe Werth’s future $60-plus million butt. That’s a problem. Considering that in the MLB, unlike the NBA or NFL, pretty much every team has a chance to make a trade-deadline deal to free up cap-space for the upcoming offseason, Jayson is going to be a very hot commodity. Think about it. If he does in fact leave town for a greener situation (and no, I’m not talking about the Oakland A’s) we’re going to be forced to fill his spot with either one of the aged, or aging, names listed above, or promote John Mayberry Jr. or Dominic Brown to the big leagues.

Honestly, I have no idea if one of those two prospects could fill Jayson’s 6’5, enormous shoes, and neither do you. But this goes back to the Ryan Howard contract controversy. Ruben Amaro Jr’s main argument was that Howard was a sure thing. If Howard is a sure thing, Jayson’s Werth’s production is more definite than Ron Burgundy hair looking good. Jayson is going to hit over 25 home runs, knock in 90 runs, and steal 10 bags for the next five seasons. Don’t forget a few more All-Star appearances as well. Mr. Werth, I can only hope for the best for you and that you make the best decision for yourself and your family. But I will be praying everyday until free agency signing period that that decision is the one, the only, Philadelphia Phillies.

Tasing a Trail

Was it just me, or did 17-year-old Steve Consalvi’s dash in centerfield pump you up? If the world didn’t see how crazy, insane, ludicrous, and passionate Philly fans were after a mere destruction of South Street following our jubilant World Series victory, then this sure did. Better yet, another fan, Thomas Betz from Warminster, Pa., ran on the field the very next night. Honestly, if we had lost that game, I would have been completely and utterly fed up with fans running onto the field. I mean really? I sincerely would have been scared for the people around me Wednesday morning if some bozo, who was also stupid enough to have marijuana on his person during the stunt, distracted Phils players enough to actually lose the ball game. That being said, I really believe that this pot-head and the aftermath of the Monday night’s tasing has fueled a winning streak for the Phightins. Of course Halladay led the team to a win during his start, and a suddenly studly Kyle Kendrick threw 7 shutout innings against the Cardinals’ extremely dangerous lineup, featuring Albert Pujols. Now, Let’s take a deeper look at the most important of the winning streak: the one that started it all

Cole Hamels pitched his best game since September of 2009. Period. And that last game was against the helpless Washington Nationals (who surprisingly have a winning record so far this season). Cole only gave up one earned run with two walks and eight strikeouts. However the best stat of the night was his ability to go eight very strong innings. Hamels hasn’t been able to get out of the 6^th inning in all but two starts (one being Tuesday’s), forcing some serious bullpen work. The reason for this success can only be due to one of the three following scenarios:

1.) Early Tuesday morning, Hamels signed a contract extension with Comcast through 2057, with agreements for the 26-year-old to appear in a new commercial every year until the deal expires. The commercials would consist of Hamels in a hot tub at the Playboy Mansion with three different beautiful girls (all of which would be mesmerized by his devastatingly good looks, charm, and nasty off-speed pitches) every year. The commercial would then proceed with a little acting, prompting Hamels to remove the tops of all the girls bikini and a slogan reading, “Xfinitiy: More freewill with your bill” flashing up on the bottom of the TV screen. Let’s just say Hamels was in a very good mood that day.

2.) Ryan Madson kicked a wall, broke his toe, and cried for his mom all 10 seconds before Hamels was about to do the same stupid maneuver following a confrontation with the backup shortstops’ backup, Wilson Valdez, about the pronunciation of the Dominican Republic as either the aforementioned way, or the Spanish way, (translated to English as) Republic Dominican.

3.) After watching endless minutes of television coverage about the tasing in centerfield in the midst of the previous night’s game, Hamels headed to the clubhouse, annoyed at the negative TV publicity, with fire in his eyes and a passion burning in his belly. The former ace then walked out to the mound for the top of the first inning and had the competitive drive to make sure he put his team in position to win the ball game, and to not allow a possible game interruption to affect the outcome of the game.

The best thing about Hamels’ performance was that he had command on all of his pitches. You can definitely make the argument that he fell apart after the second fan, in as many nights, rushed onto the field in the top of the ninth, but the body of work he put in for the first 8 innings was very close to emulating hs dominance from his 2008 postseason and World Series performances. Whoever anonymously posted on my Coleossol Impact articile, think again. I promise you, by the end of the season, Hamels will post a sub-four ERA with 16 wins and 180 strikeouts. He is capable of being a very solid number two starter in a championship winning rotation. But pitching isn’t the only thing that wins championships.

During that year’s World Series, Ryan Howard curled up into a ball and sucked his thumb in the corner of the clubhouse, Jimmy Rollins only managed three hits in the series, and almost every pitcher, except for Cliff Lee, collapsed and pooped their pants at some point or another during their starts. The point is, a World Series team needs role players to step up during the postseason, and Carlos Ruiz did that last October. He continued his clutchness with his walk-off hit, and quite honestly, I expected him to at least get on base when he stepped up to the plate. We NEED guys like Chooch (Who has the best post-game interviews in the history of mankind) to deliver. That’s why we won the lottery with Placido Polanco to replace an ineffective Pedro Feliz. The Phillies are together a well-rounded team, with pretty damn good starting pitching, a sensational lineup that provides great run support, and a bullpen that is slowly but surely finding its identity after an egotistical, immature, and just plain stupid Ryan Madson deservedly landed himself on DL.

Here’s the point. This recent winning streak didn’t coincidentally begin after the tasing in centerfield. The organization was embarrassed on national television and I guarantee that many players as well as people in upper management were pissed about this snot-nosed punk teenager running on the field. Since the electric knots that were surged around the world, the Phils have opened up a 4 game winning streak and have won 7 of their last 9. They’re setting the tone early. They’re tasing a trail for October in early May. Don’t look now but Charlie Manuel’s club now has a two game lead over the despicable New York Mets and have upcoming series against the Brewers, Pirates and Cubs looming within the next 15 days. The division lead could swell all the way up to 5 and maybe even 7 games over the next two weeks. This trend of winning, this constant success, this victorious path that is being laid out, all of which are collectively pushing this team towards a postseason run. I honestly don’t know if tasers have sparked this teams streak (pun intended), and I really don’t care what did. Can I at least hope the tasing has something to do with it?