Lost Never Ends

With the recent conclusion of ABC’s Lost phenomena, the show’s followers and congregants have been struggling to collaborate on how they can all possibly live without the show on air. Cries of help have shrieked across the night sky all across the country, and even the world. But, nobody can figure out what to do now that Lost is over.

Well, I have some good news and bad news for Lost viewers. I’ll start with the good in order to build-up intense anxiety and to also keep the mood light… for now. Lost isn’t over. In fact, it’s just beginning. The Philadelphia Phillies’ version of Lost began last week, when Charlie Manuel persisted on stranding Roy Halladay on his own private island against the Pittsburgh Pirates on May 18th, ultimately forcing the ace to throw 132 pitches in 9 innings (The perfect game against the Fish had absolutely 100% nothing to do with Manuel at all). Next, the position players decided to lose their formerly HUGE bats (that were once full of power, doubles, runs, and even a high average) in Fenway Park's away-team clubhouse, after game 1 of that series. To go an entire series against the New York Mets and their previously last-place-in-the-NL-East record is simply ridiculous and unacceptable from a team that is supposed to easily dominate their division. Before the recent 4-11 slump, the Phils were 10-2 and dominating with pitching and run support. What the hell happened?

If it wasn’t for Halladay’s perfecto, I honestly might have committed baseball suicide after the team’s embarrassing 9-3 loss in their season finale in Atlanta. For those of you who are wondering, baseball suicide consists of super-gluing a Yankees hat onto your head and a Mets jersey onto your chest, then duck taping yourself to a chair (which coincidentally is stationed in front of a TV playing the worst moments in Phillies history on a loop). It is very similar to the stunt Jimmy Fallon pulls in Fever Pitch. A sweep at the hands of the Braves and a total of 7 runs was nothing compared to not scoring a run at Shea Stadium, but something worse occurred down in Georgia. The three losses to the Braves officially lost the suddenly clueless Charlie Manuel, and his club, the NL East lead, and now find themselves looking up at the Braves to the tune of 2.5 games. I repeat: What the hell happened? There’s no coincidence that the Doc’s first-ever slump as a Phillie came during this hapless streak of games. The ace of the staff had been constantly overworked in order to save the bullpen for Halladay’s lesser teammates’ starts, and it definitely messed with his rhythm and swagger out on the mound. Halladay has thrown 110+ pitches in 7 of his 12 starts this season and has pitched 5 complete games through the first two months of the season alone. I know the man is an absolute beast and is possibly bionic, but he does need rest. Old Charlie needs to realize that taking Halladay out of a 1-run ball game after 7 innings of work with 105 pitches is a good day’s work out of your ace. Number 34 doesn’t need to pitch a complete game in almost have of his starts, especially when a no-hitter or perfect game isn’t still intact (He threw a perfect game. I was ecstatic. Suck on that Mets and Braves fans.). The following conversation needs to occur… TODAY:

Manuel: Hey Leroy, can I talk to you for a second?

Halladay: Coach, I told you not to call me that. And sure, what’s up?

Manuel: It’s come to my attention that you have thrown a gazillion complete games this year—

Halladay: I know! It’s sick right? I don’t have to worry about Brad’s piece of crap elbow blowing my wins.

Manuel: As I was saying, you’ve done a lot of work and done a hell of a job. A perfect game, seven wins in the first two months, that’s a hell-of-a start to the season. But I think we need to take a break on the complete games.

Halladay: But coach, I’m the best pitcher on the planet! My arm is made of titanium-based metal solution that can never be destroyed.

Manuel: I know, I know. But in order for the team as whole to be successful, we need you to post a few straight 7 or 8 inning starts with around 92 pitches and 9 strikeouts. Then we can give the bullpen 1 or 2 innings of work and call it a night. Sound good?

Halladay: I guess. Is that how you win a World Series and make it to the playoffs? The guys in Toronto never told me that.

Manuel: Ah, my friend. You are learning quite fast young grasshopper.

Aside from Manuel’s mismanaging of Halladay, the Phillies struggles have also been linked to a sudden disappearing of their enormous bats. CSI: Philadelphia has been searching for weeks on who could have snagged the Louisville Sluggers, and so far the suspects include the Sox’s, Met’s and Brave’s batboys and clubhouse workers. Along the trail of clues have been a small hint of dominant pitching performances as well, but that seems to be just a small contributing factor. But seriously, what the hell happened? A team that was in the top-three amongst MLB teams in runs per game has now fallen out of the top-ten. And honestly, I have no clue why it has happened. But, I do know that over the last 14 games:

Jayson Werth is batting .166 (7/42), with only 3 RBI’s, 3 runs and 14 SO’s

Chase Utley is batting .180 (9/50) with a HR and only 3RBI’s and 5 runs

Shane Victorino is batting .176 (9/51). He has 5 SB’s but only scored once

Carlos Ruiz and Jimmy Rollins have only appeared in a combined 13 games

Raul Ibanez is batting .262 (11/42) and the sadly that has raised his average

Placido Polanco has missed 5 straight games due to a bum elbow

All of these slumps and unfortunate occruances have been equally great contributing factors to the Phils’ awful slump. Ryan Howard has been producing, but there have simply been nobody on base for him to nock in or move into scoring position (If he did, then the batters behind him most likely gaped at the ball like a wide-eyed 10-year-old looking at his first “nudey girl magazine” while standing next to home plate, ultimately stranding that runner). The team has collectively averaged a measly 1.5 runs a game in their past series against the division foes Mets, Marlins and Braves. WHAT!? I thought the Phils averaged close to that many homers per game! If it were any another season, I would be extremely worried right now. But, the Phillies have won the division three straight years, the NL pennant the last two, and the World Series Championship in 2008. Charlie Manuel obviously knows how to win in crunch-time and down the stretch in August and September, but right now, he and the Phillies bats are clearly lost. Let’s hope they make it back to reality sooner rather than later.